A little more about marriage...

So, last time I shared some things I'd learned about marriage from living with my parents for nine months. Let's continue that, now, with number 3:

3. People don't really change (see #2), but they can still surprise you.

After 29 years, I'm pretty sure there are things about each other my parents still don't get. Despite how well they know each other, they are always learning something new about the other person. The key to this is not taking your husband for granted, and not pigeon-holing him into some pre-defined box. And it means not falling into a rut -- it means trying new things, as a couple and as an individual, and expanding both your horizons and your ideas about the other person.

Case in point: Our honeymoon was The Hubs' and my first real trip together -- our first time on a plane together! -- and I discovered something new about him. He's a generally reserved person around people he doesn't know, but he surprised me by chatting up our cab driver, asking him if he was from Aruba, what restaurants he recommended, how the tourism season had been this year. It made me love him even more!

4. It's about the bad times. I cringe when I hear or read people talking about their relationship and saying, "95% of the time, things are great, but that other 5% makes me want to end it...". Nothing is rainbows and puppies 100% of the time, but the tough times shouldn't make you want to run every time. In reality, it's the lows that define you as a couple. No matter how bad things get, you should always have each other's backs. And realizing that the tough times are just as important as the happy times in building your relationship makes them easier to bear and makes you less apt to want to throw in the towel at every little bump in the road. I can honestly say that, even when The Hubs and I have hit a rough patch, I never think it's lacking. Our relationship is great 100% of the time, even when it's not, because we're always a team and we're committed to making it work. And I know my parents have had tough times too, but how they've navigated those challenges has made their marriage last for 29 years.

You might notice these marriage lessons aren't super idealistic or romantic. What can I say? I guess I'm a realist at heart. But seriously, it's not all butterflies, people!

Anyways, enough lecturing. In only a short ten days, we'll be closing on our first house and reentering the grown-up population, at least in theory. While I did say I've enjoyed living with my parents, I'm more than ready to leave. It was nice being taken care of, but after a while I started to feel like I was losing the adult part of my identity. Come home from work, watch TV until mom says it's dinner time, eat dinner, watch some more TV... yeah, it sounds fun in theory, but after a few months, the grown-up part of you starts to feel guilty and a little unfulfilled. Who knew I'd miss dishes? I think we're more than ready for the adult responsibility headed our way!

P.S. This blog has a semi-new design and some new pages on design and decor ideas for our new house. What do you think? Soon this blog will feature more of our trials and tribulations in home ownership, like remodeling, decorating and figuring out how to use a riding lawnmower. Yes, apparently I have to learn how to mow a lawn. There are some adult responsibilities I'd rather leave to my imagination...

Notes on a nuptial

The wedding is now nearly two months in the past, but I’m still thinking about it -- mostly because it was one of the best nights of my life and I would love to relive it (minus spending all the money).

It sounds cliché, right? One of the best nights of my life -- really? Hey, I’m surprised too. I imagined stress, drama, unforeseen disasters: buffet lines that never moved, drunken and rambling toasts, an empty dance floor save for one guy doing the sprinkler.

But instead, the greatest thing happened. We walked back down the aisle, husband and wife, and as soon as we got out of view, we wrapped our arms around each other and laughed in utter exhilaration. There are few pictures of me looking serene, contemplative or poised. I’m smiling or laughing in all of them. I’m impossibly happy.

During the reception, as we sat there at our sweetheart table and looked out over everything that had come together so well -- all the people in our life who meant the most to us, the people who had cheered our entrance as Mr. and Mrs. so enthusiastically -- all the stress and doubt fell away and this great big feeling of happiness settled over us. I don’t remember all the moments of that night -- it’s true what they say, it flies by -- but I do remember that feeling.

We worked hard to make it to that feeling, and may never have it again, at least not quite the same way. Short of reliving it via a magical time machine, the next best thing is to talk about it. Share the wealth. Pay it forward. Irritate people with unsolicited advice. Let it commence!

Be the red binder girl (or guy): In other words, be organized. My red binder was not just a fanciful collection of centerpiece ideas. I had contracts, questions to ask vendors, budget information, and lists and lists of things to remember, ponder and mull. I had maps, and phone numbers, even a calculator. I printed out pictures of our venue, which allowed me to show the DJ where he could set up and the photographer where she could shoot. Pictures and swatches of the dresses gave the florist clear ideas for coordinating colors.

Do not let people convince you this is being a bridezilla/groomzilla. Being thorough is not the same as screaming obscenities at your caterer for serving cantaloupe instead of honey dew. There will be people who throw out that terribly offensive word as soon as you open your mouth with, “I was thinking…” These people either got married 30 years ago when your parents still planned the whole thing, or are insanely jealous of how on top of things you are. At least that’s what I liked to tell myself.

Be thick-skinned: Your BFF will whine about not having a date to bring. Your in-laws will pressure you to have your wedding the same weekend as Nana’s birthday. Your fiancé will not care about favors, flowers or what color shoes your bridesmaids wear (but will, inexplicably, have strong opinions about what kind of tie the DJ wears and which Beastie Boys song is most appropriate for a wedding reception).

Do not take any of it personally. Human beings in general are selfish creatures -- it’s that whole survival thing. Many people’s immediate reactions will be to focus on how the wedding and its various details affect them. Don’t worry. It’s only a matter of time before you become that annoying friend who responds to news of a friend’s wedding date with, “June really doesn’t work for me…maybe you could do it in May instead?” (Oh, and the best Beastie Boys song? “Fight For Your Right (to Party).” Duh).

Screw etiquette: Don’t tell Emily Post I said that. But seriously, there are lots of antiquated rules when it comes to having a wedding -- what you should wear at what time of the day, who should host the shower, what color your cake should be. Only a few of these rules really serve a practical purpose; most serve to help people sell wedding planning books. Take all etiquette rules with a big (margarita and) grain of salt.

Case in point: After lots of agonizing debate, we decided not to have kids at the wedding, except for The Hubs’ niece and nephew. All the etiquette books said to simply write the parents’ names on the invitation and spread the news word-of-mouth. “Writing ‘Adult-only reception’ is tacky,” they said. Big fat flop. Our RSVP cards were full of write-ins, and we probably ended up hurting some feelings. Those three little words that would have been like Kryptonite to Miss Manners probably would have been well-appreciated by our guest list.

Make it count: Remember, you will (in theory) only do it once. Many people use this as an excuse to spend $200 on trivial things like monogrammed cocktail napkins everyone crumples up anyways or $1,000 for a three-foot-tall cake with frosting that looks like plastic.

What it really should mean is that you should make it what you want. Ignore what the magazines tell you about which colors go well together or what’s “in” for centerpieces this year, and do what makes you happy. Want a bouquet made out of aluminum wire? Sounds good. Want Mario-themed invitations? Go for it. Want to get married in a Taco Bell? Hey, whatever floats your boat. Want to get married dressed as Wonder Woman? Why not?

But seriously. A wedding is a big investment no matter how much you spend, and there’s no point in going through the whole shebang if at the end of it you feel like a cookie cutter.

We skipped the costumes or fast-food locations, but we did our best to inject our own personalities. Hey, we turned 13 pounds of strawberries into homemade wine! Not too shabby.


(Wine photo by Clare Norton)